Reflection

2012 has been quite a year. A long year, indeed, filled with life-changing events, triumphs, and heartache. It's hard to believe so much has happened in one year...and how much of it will determine the next. It started out beautiful...beginning the year while performing in downtown SF on New Year's Eve, getting hired by my dream organization, and beginning my work with the labyrinth and our weekly lectures. All of it was so enriching, enlighting, contemplative, and full of life. And getting the opportunity to produce and direct my first show on my own was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had. What beautiful people I worked with. And to be able to share my love for the fusion of psychology and art and to have these conversations with our audiences was so incredibly fulfilling. And all this while assisting directing, rehearsing, and performing for Sonoma's Spring Dance Concert. I had never been so exhausted in my entire life. And then I moved. For the 3rd time in a year, I packed up every belonging I owned...and moved to a new home. And oh, what a beautiful home it has been. Every single day I wake up and come home to such glorious beauty. I am still in awe. And to be in an area with endless possibilities for adventures! But the beauty comes with consequences....such as loneliness and isolation. Oh, it has pained me to be so far from my friends and to be in an area that seems so difficult to meet new people. I miss having friends near. I have so much wanted to share this beauty with another. Which led me to the unthinkable...ONLINE DATING. Haha, this sub-culture, this form of electronic man-hunting, was so incredibly fascinating to me, and the adventures that have come about because of it have been some for the books, but needless to say, I did not have a 'match' made in heaven (hehe..). While the psychologist in me loved it, the romantic in me was not so lucky.. Although, I have made some sweet friends from it...I am grateful for that. This year has also been the first time that I've 'dated'. I seem to have skipped this stage in high school, being in long-term relationships for as long as I can remember, so I felt as if I was a teenage girl learning how to handle the world of dating what was so new to me. This year is marked as having the best first dates I could ever think of...oh, what sweet memories! In fact, it has just occured to me that this is the first year in which I have been fully single for the entire year since 1999...since I was 14 years old! Wow! I can't decide whether that's an accomplishment or not. I have never been the type of person who needed to be in a relationship, it has just always happened to be so. In some ways, it IS a great accomplishment, giving myself the time to be fully committed to myself and to my family. It has been wonderful, and needed, but I'm reaching the point where my heart would like to share itself with another. Yet, I know my heart is fragile. It has been so consumed with the bittersweet heaviness of my current priority....my mom. How do I put into words what the feeling was hearing that your mom has been diagnosed with late stage cancer. My whole world fell apart. People have asked me how I'm doing and all I want to say is "COMPLETE HELL", "HELL ON EARTH", or "THE MOST HORRIBLE YOU COULD EVER FEEL...EVER". There is no way to describe the helplessnes, the sorrow, the pain, the torture it is to watch the person who brought you into this world slowly suffer. It is the worst feeling imaginable. And I feel terrible saying it has also been such a blessing. Not my mother's suffering, but ever since my mom's surgery...my mom's schizophrenia symptoms seem to be gone. Years of delusions, hallucinations, slurred speech, periods of catatonic states, erratic behavior, disorganized thoughts and communication....GONE. She has dealt with severe symptoms of schizophrenia for over 15 years, and it is beyond my capabilities of comprehension that these things could disappear so suddenly. I truly feel that there is a connection between her mental illness, and this cancer, but regardless...we have been so grateful to have her with us with such clarity of mind for the first time. All these years, I was wounded with the fact that I never had the conventional mom, but as awful as the circumstances have been, I have finally been able to have a mom! I have dreamed of this my whole life. And every time i'm home, this awful bittersweet pain cuts away at me. On the one hand, being grateful of having her here now, and the other, having the awareness that she may not be with us in the coming months. Time and time again, I've been told of other situations where people outlived their prognosis...but this does not change the pain i'm in...and never will. And I know I'm not coping well. I can feel it boiling inside me...yet I still feel in shock. I have been holding myself back, holding it in for the sake of being 'strong' for my family. Yet psychologically I know that this isn't healthy. I need release. I need to weep. But there's something that keeps stopping me from falling apart. I need to fall apart so badly, for my sanity. And this is where being so far away from my friends and family has really taken a toll on me. So many nights where I've needed company...not to be cheered up, not for words to make it okay, but just to have somebody in my presence, to sit with, to be held. I so badly want to be held. Touch does wonders for healing. So does art, yet because of my need to be completely available for any emergencies with my mom, I have chosen not to commit to any projects for the time being. And because my energy has been spread so thin between travelling home, working, and very little sleep....I have had such an artist's block. I know what an incredible release my art is, yet something is holding me back in art too. As if I'm afraid to release what feels too great, too powerful, too PAINFUL, and if I release a little bit...the floodgates will explode and I fear I will not be able to close them. Man, oh man, what a year 2012 has been...and so far, I have survived the best way I can. It's been so hard, still so hard, but there is still a long, intense journey ahead of me. I know I'm ready for 2012 to be over, I just am not sure yet if I'm ready for what 2013 will bring. Cheers.

When I dance...

When I dance, I don't feel pain.  

When I dance, I am free from restrains.  

When I dance, I can conquer the world.  

I WILL conquer the world.

I will conquer the world.

Hola!

Welcome!  I have decided to start a personal blog to post about my interest in the arts, psychology, life, love, and the weird things I find interesting.  Have a cup of coffee, take a look, send me a line, then get off the computer and live a little.

Ciao.